Boy oh boy, I just moved from New York to LA in order to make it big in Hollywood. And gee am I so excited. But moving to a new city, switching jobs, and generally uprooting yourself from a place you’ve been in for years can be difficult.
Back in New York, I had built a life for myself, with a stable career holding a position at the top of a popular comedy theater. But that’s all gonna change here, now that I’m moving up in the world!
Here are some of the quick questions I have as I continue to get used to my exciting life in my new city.
What do I do during the day?
I don’t have a job anymore. I used to have a job back when I lived in New York, but now I don’t have one because I moved here. So I’m looking for things to do during the day, maybe that will make me money at the same time? Should I try dog walking?
What should I do at night?
Back in New York, I always had shows. As one of the heads of my comedy theater, I was on house teams and was regularly asked to perform in other places. No one in LA knows me, so I never have shows anymore. What should I do at night? Where can I be put on shows? Can you put me on your show?
Where is everyone?
Did I move to a weird neighborhood? I never see anyone anymore. I used to have a lot of friends, but I left all of them to move west so I can shoot right to the top. But now I don’t see people, and it’s getting very lonely. Could that be because they all have jobs?
Why don’t I have friends?
If people thought I was a good friend there, then tell me, why don’t I have friends here? This doesn’t add up.
Can I have a job please?
I still don’t have a job because I knew that moving to LA was where I would become a big star. Can someone give me a job? So that I can show all my friends and family back home that this was in fact worth it, and I wasn’t just upending my life to move to a place where I had not one spec of a plan or strategy?
I found a stray cat in the street that was foaming at the mouth. It looked like it needed a good home. Should I keep it?
Having a pet always feels like you live in a home right? I was walking down the street during the day while everyone else was at work when I saw a cat that was acting strangely on the side of the road. His mouth was foaming a little but I think what he really just needs is some TLC. Should I take it home and try to give it a bath?
Do I just go back or do you think it’s too late?
So, I’ll admit I didn’t plan this out super well. My whole life is back in New York and by moving here I am starting my life over as a 32-year-old. I realized that when everyone kept asking me, “Why did you move here? Did you just want to start your life over as a 32-year-old?” I said no, so that probably means I shouldn’t stay here, but I called my old comedy theater where I held a high position in New York and they said they already filled it, they filled it right after I left because the position is very high and can’t be left unfilled. I wish I had thought about this before moving here, but how was I supposed to know it’s better to wait until you at least have an inkling of a purpose before uprooting your life and moving across the country to a city you’ve only ever seen before in Spike Jonze’s Her? I haven’t even gotten to fall in love with a robot.
Anyway, please let me know if you have answers to these questions. I need a lot of help! I’ll just go to Disney Land for the 9th time while I wait. I got a season pass because I don’t have a job. “It’s a small world after all!”
Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We’re people, just like you, and we’re trying our best.