Now's not the time to politicize the roving gangs of giant spiders slowly taking over America



Image: mashable composite; shutterstock

First and foremost, let me say that what’s happening in this country right now is simply tragic. Families have lost loved ones, and this nation mourns with them. 

But it is both premature and reprehensible to inject politics into this sudden, aggressive infestation of roving gangs of giant, six-foot-tall spiders, the likes of which have never been witnessed by mankind in all of existence, until the formal investigation of this horrific nightmare is complete and while families are still mourning.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the victims of the many cities that have now bravely fallen to the pack of huge violent spiders, as they slowly make their way eastward across our great country, killing everything in their path.

These spiders are huge, scary, and it seems like the only thing they want is human blood. People have lost their lives, families have been torn apart forever. And YOU want to use this moment to push your anti-Huge Spider agenda? That is absolutely disgusting.

We stand with the families of the brave men and women who were needlessly subjected to the easily preventable wrath of these giant, monstrous spiders, whose sole purpose seem to be the death and destruction of this country’s citizens. 

Image: mashable composite; shutterstock

Unfortunately, thousands of lives needlessly lost at the bloody fangs of these roving and vicious packs of gigantic spiders, is simply the cost of freedom. We must stand united as people as we search for the meaning behind these evil attacks at the hands of the Huge Spiders slowly moving across the country, sacking every village, town, and city they encounter. 

But I must reiterate, it is not yet the time to act politically on this tragedy. Though the death count rises, our spirit remains unbroken. And though it would be very easy to implement anti-Huge Spider policy that other countries have proven work absolutely in the face of the Huge Spider threat, we must not follow suit. 

It is completely inappropriate to even think about preventing this tragedy. It JUST happened. And though the threat looms large that another, greater Huge Spider attack is certainly imminent, we must pray that maybe these Spider Attacks will simply stop on their own. 

There is a time and place for a political debate. But now, in the face of preventable tragedy, is not the time. Our unity cannot be shattered by evil, nor violence. We will stand firm in the face of these Huge Spiders who just want kill us. 

And we will pray and hope that one day we, or someone we love, never actually encounter one.

Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We’re people, just like you, and we’re trying our best.



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