Hello, and welcome to weekly GFW Impact coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend. This week sees a new Global Champion, and spoiler alert: It’s not the new guy who was once in WWE!
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Previously: The destination was X. Translation? Another poorly-defined authority figure in the form of Jim Cornette, baybaby. Also, Sonjay Dutt proved himself to be the lamest, which continues to be the case during his lack of appearance in this episode of Impact Wrestling. And even though wrestling is totally fake (according to Bobby Lashley’s buddies at American Top Team), Bobby Lashley’s buddies at American Top Team got mad about Bobby Lashley losing to Matt Sydal (who, as far as I know, is not buddies with American Top Team).
EH: Way To Go, Mr. Slap Nuts
I feel like just calling Jeff Jarrett “Slap Nuts” would be disrespectful, given his position in the company. “Mr. Slap Nuts” is a title of respect, you know? Even when the person with that title doesn’t even necessarily deserve said respect.
Despite how dumb it is when you think about it for more than five seconds, this Impact Wrestling/American Top Team/custody of Little Lashley storyline is continuing, and it’s still making sure we all know just how lame and fake professional wrestling is. Especially compared to the big strong men of MMA, who can do whatever they want and go wherever they want while the people in charge at Impact just whine and hope they’ll go back to their state of the art MMA facility. There’s a level of humorous jock stereotypes in this story — Lashley high-fiving every member of the team when he makes his entrance is so ridiculous it’s great — but the problem is this isn’t jocks vs. the underdog. At least, Impact isn’t telling that story, despite it being the one that actually works. Think about it: The post-Lashley/Sydal segment has Jarrett going on about how he pays Lashley the big bucks, as opposed to American Top Team.
“I’m here as a favor to you, dude…Bobby shouldn’t even be here.”
Coach Chrisley Knows Best sure makes Jeff Jarrett look like a chump in the post-Lashley/Sydal match segment, but even worse is how much it reinforces that this story isn’t about Bobby Lashley. This story is about Jeff Jarrett and… a what looks to be a less boozy Jeff Jarrett. They’re the ones who have to be pulled apart, they’re the ones who talk about Lashley like the tool he is. Poor Eli Drake then has to share his end of the night spotlight with this story, because the more things change in this company, the more things stay the same.
And again, American Top Team makes no sense being so bro ragey about Lashley losing when it’s the type of thing they can use to get him to quit wrestling? They should be holding back smirks and maybe even “I told you so”s. There’s an argument to be made that Lashley losing wrestling makes them look bad, but… psst… This show has yet to actually tell that story.
EH: Sorry About Your Damn Luck
Somehow, this segment is the one that brings James Storm back from the dead. Never send a boy to do a man’s job, right, James?